I’ve had an unusual experience this morning.
Not a brand new one, but a new one all the same. I sound like I’m talking writing in riddles, but I’m not.
This morning I burned my belly.
Sorry, I should have told you to put your drink down before you read that.
Now, I can hear the questions whirling around in your mind… He burned his belly? On what? He’s done it before? On what?
I’ll explain. The explanation is very simple really, but before I explain about today’s singeing episode, I’ll write about my previous one, to provide some background drama.
I very often write about my having the physique of a Greek God, which I do. All Adonis-like, toned, tanned and muscular; the envy of many. That goes without saying. The thing is, it’s slightly hidden beneath a little excess.
If I stand at a certain angle, I can just about make out the rippling six pack abs when I look in the mirror, with the light at a certain brightness behind me, and I close one eye. And I don’t look too long at the reflection.
Several years ago, I bought myself a set of those electrocution pads, as I call them. The rubber pads that you stick to various parts of your body, and plug them into a power pack that is attached to your waist. You are then to go about your normal day, whilst regularly experiencing strong spasms surge through whichever muscle you have said pad strapped to. The electric current is meant to tone the muscles gently, and build up their shape nicely. Or, in my case, make you look as though you are dancing in the middle of a frozen lake with arms and legs shooting out at all kinds of angles more often than not.
Those kind of movements don’t help with bad hair either. Anyway, I digress.
One night, I’d somehow managed to forget that I had these electrocution pads on (I was very tired!), so they did their surging best to me as I slept. Unfortunately, as I slept, I didn’t feel them burning me, and when I awoke the next morning, I had a few red ‘burn’ rings across my rather relaxed belly.
The marks cleared up within a month, and I never used the electrocution pads since that night.
And the rings weren’t actually burns either… they were bruises, I would say, in the skin, where the pads had pinched the skin together as they caused the belly muscles to contract.
This morning, I told you I’d tell you, was a different burn completely.
I was ironing, as usual, getting ready for work. I was ironing the shirt that I wanted to wear. As I was ironing the shirt that I wanted to wear, at that time, I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I ironed the cuff, brought the iron up the sleeve, which was by the edge of the ironing board, and momentarily touched my belly with the hot plate of the iron. I didn’t think I was so close to the board, the rest of me wasn’t, but my relaxed belly definitely was.
I soared up to the ceiling without leaving the floor. My back straightened as I dropped the iron, hot-side-down onto the sleeve. Luckily. I wasn’t wearing any shoes, and I didn’t need it to land on my foot, so it was a good catch by the ironing board. Quickly, I removed the iron from the sleeve, no harm done. I then rubbed my belly, which apart from being a little tender wasn’t marked in any way.
Well, not that I could see, anyway. I didn’t have the time to check further in the mirror.
The belly’s fine now, though, I’m pleased to report.
I do have to bring it under control once again, however. Get the old abs back into shape, naturally, without any electrical influence, so that I no longer touch the ironing board when I iron, whilst, at the same time standing away from it.
Lame Adventures recently wrote a post, entitled ‘Feel the Burn’ as it happens, about those new fangled six minutes a week work outs that are supposed to really work. I’m starting to wonder if doing them for six minutes a day would bring in the results quicker. I can gather six minutes a day together no problem.
I shall let you know how I get on…